The book of faces has let me down...again

Seems like Face Book changes something more than my toddler changes clothes! It is actually becoming depressing. Social media is a wonderful way to keep in touch with old friends that have moved all around the world but i do not care for the changes! 

I dont want to be concerned if someone other than my 'friends' will be able to see if i post a picture of my girls despite my privacy settings.

on a positive note my house smells like cinnamon vanilla spice!

gonna keep it short and sweet today. :)

5.75 miles and a year of battles all comes down to this

I had no energy this morning. NONE! I wanted to lay around on my big o butt and watch tv with lil miss. But instead I rolled out of bed...heard the devil scream as my feet hit the floor and I was off! I told myself today would be filled with greatness and I would not give in to my food temptations. (living primal is a lot harder than you would think). 

Got to the gym and saw that no one was there except for a few elderly people who stay in the corner. I picked out my elliptical...decided i felt a bit froggy and I wanted to be in control today. Manual for 45 minutes with a 5 minute cool down. Pandora blaring in my ears and the sun directly in my eyes ( I should really be a cool kid and wear my sunglasses..it might give me that badass look) i felt alive for the first time all morning. 3.25 miles later i was not satisfied...i was not done! So I refilled my water, and jumped back into it with one of their 30 minute programs. in that 30 minutes i pulled another 2 and a half mile out of myself. 

For most this would be a breeze...im not most. im 15 days smoke free after smoking for 11 years (im 26 do the math). Im overweight by about 70 pounds and have spent the last 7 years of my life catering to everyone elses needs except my own. Ive let myself go in such a way that the battle to get myself back is going to take more than eating right and a new hair do. life happened and saving myself was not an option with I had others who needed saving. 

I have time now...not a lot of time but i am making time. 

After getting home from the gym and store ( i needed eggs.) I started preparing my omelet which seems to be a daily thing now as well...it is yumm-o filled with spinach and turkey with a little cheese...and when i say little i mean a tablespoon at most! I looked through my contacts on my phone and came across the VAs number....hmmm ihave not called them in a while and i was told earlier this week they should be done by the end of next week...so i dial.....i go through the prompts and wait...Ive made hubbs omelet, lil miss' scrambled eggs and my omelet and have finished eating when I finally get someone on the other line...Oh thank you lord she has a nice voice and does not sound like her cubemate is beating her! Go through the usual million security questions...then she cant find his claim. ???????????? oh wait there it is! ITS DONE...ITS FINALIZED...not only is it finalized but the 'manilla envelope' that millions of vets wait for was mailed out the day before yesterday...(that would be tuesday for those who dont know what day is today). 

Im suddenly filled with fear! the fear is taking over the excitement. Ive devoted the last 3 years of my life first getting Corey retired and not just discharged from the Army and then fighting the VA to get his VA rating. Ive lived with the saying "he may wear your uniform but the man he was has been destroyed and I am now his only voice". Knowing that there is an envelope that literally holds our futures security is on a truck somewhere between Raleigh NC and my home is terrifying! Yes, if we do not agree with their decision we can appeal but COME ON! The ARMY rated him 100% totally and perm. disabled. The VA caretaker program that I am apart of has rated him as needing care 24 hours a day 365 days a year. He may have his limbs and you may not see scars but you also dont see the falls or the pain or the anger or any other the many other side effects from his time in Iraq. Anything other than 100%  will show me they did not do their job at the VA and did not do this claim justice. And after I breathe and get my strength back we will fight because he gave everything this war took from him with pride and honor. 

Any day this envelope could be here....Im not a very patient person and this is going to drive me to rip my hair out. 

stay tuned as you look through my window of life and I look back from the inside looking out.  :)  

Its the little things in life

Today I am taking a break from the morning at the gym. Not by choice but because Corey had to go to the VA hospital to have an ultra sound done on his stomach. A few weeks ago he was in such pain that we almost took him to the ER. He was given a Rx that he has been taking every night before dinner and today hopefully we can find out if it is something...or nothing at all. 

I sit here drinking my coffee watching little miss watch Nickjr. and I am reminded of so many mornings where all I could bring myself to do was watch my girls. Now, my days are filled with trying to keep the house picked up or driving here or there. It's as if there is not enough hours in the day to satisfy my need to watch my children grow up. 

Its not as if I work 40 hours a week outside of my home. My job is caring for my girls and husband. Yes, it is a thankless job and the pay sucks but I am one of the few lucky ones. I need to start remembering that when my frustration level has peeked and all I want to do is scream. 

I have watched my father, brother and husband among many other men and women leave their families many times due to their jobs in the military.  And, I think many of us lose that when we go through our daily lives. We forget who is out there sacraficing so we can go to the beach or movie theater without a worry. 

I got to talk to my sister in law this morning! Its been a few weeks! We had wonderful talks about farming, living primal, and buying whole cows to deep freeze! In addition to the usual talk about husbands and daughters (her and my brother have two little girls as well). I have since found a farm within a few hours that sell whole free range cattle. Ill be able to tell Corey I was productive while he was at the doctors...and I barely left the couch! 

I should however at least start the laundry and clean a few things up...I see a dust bunny and dog hair bunny staring at me from under the TV. 

stay tuned as you look through my window of life and I look back from the inside looking out

a little about my life

So, I'm asked all the time "how do you do it?" "why do you do it?". Its real simple people...THIS IS MY PATH! This is what I chose in life and I will do it to the best of my ability. If i fall I will get back up and try again tomorrow. I am going to try to keep up with this as it seems to be the new 'thing' to do. Maybe not a single person will read this. But, if someone does I hope they can find encouragment, strength, hope, and the drive to not give up. Our troubles could help those after us. And I feel if I dont start saying my piece now...I never will and then I will be just another person walking this planet in silence. 

I am 26 years experienced. I have two amazingly beautiful daughters who both in their own way saved me. I am married to one of the most wonderful man I could have ever asked for. It has not been an easy 12 years together but it been worth every tear and laugh. I am also a proud mama to two 4 legged sons. One is named Gunner (my security) and he is an Akita and the other is Rocky (my comfort) who is my grey tabby. 

Im sure I will provide background on the many years of things we have gone through as I write this. There could also be days where I just rant...because I believe everybody should be able to just rant with no meaning...just get everything off their chest and out of their mind. 

So, now you know a little bit about me and I hope you stay tuned as you look through my window of life and I look back from the inside looking out.  :)